espnihilation

Cuban Fissile Crisis

2009-05-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

Mark Cuban issued an impersonal digital apology to Nuggets' star Kenyon Martin and Martin's mother after Cuban confronted the lady and insulted her son to her face.

First, Cuban's immaturity in this instance is inexcusable. As a general rule, I appreciate the energy that Cuban brings to Mavericks games and the down-to-Earth attitude that makes him one of the few owners in professional sports who feels more comfortable with the fans in his jeans and T-shirts than in a three-piece suit in a sterile suite.

But in this case Cuban's temper and inability to control himself resulted in behavior that is, to say the least, despicable. Boys learn at a young age not to insult another's mother without accepting the probability that consequences will follow. But it is even more taboo and counter to social standards to actually seek out another man's mother in order to verbally insult her son.

That is, if nothing else, an ass-kickable offense.

And Cuban's apology is insincere and insulting. Right from the beginning, he frames the incident in such a way as to limit his personal culpability, somehow claiming that the size of the audience for his verbal tirade is relevant to the discussion.

It started as a smart ass comment that I know that no one heard. How do I know, because there was a reporter right there next to me, as well as other people who saw the whole thing and didnt hear a word of it.

But at this point, that has become irrelevant. It doesnt matter why I said it. I shouldn’t have said anything. Now, the reality is that this has gotten out of hand.

First of all, Mark: you're worth well over $2 billion. Either take a rudimentary grammar and writing course or hire some jobless English major to convert your babble into prose. But more relevantly, it doesn't matter how many people heard you make a "smart ass comment."

Is a crime lessened by the lack of witnesses? Of course not, and neither is a civic infraction like this. Cuban bears the majority of responsibility for the overly aggressive and out-of-control style that this series has adopted. An owner needs to set a better example for fans, many of whom are hopped up on an unstable mixture of vicarious testosterone and alcohol. I know that he enjoys watching his team and that sometimes his excitement gets the better of him. But here's more proof that he also, at the age of 50, needs to learn more self-control.

Pocket Rocket

2009-05-12T15:07:00.001-07:00

Roger Clemens appeared on Mike and Mike this morning to subject the audience to another mind-numbing session of stubborn intransigence as Clemens did nothing more than reiterate his protests of innocence.

The best part of Clemens poorly-conceived defense was when he attempted to explain that the reason he couldn't take steroids is because of a genetic predisposition to heart problems. He gave two examples of close relatives who have died from heart trouble: his brother and his stepfather.

Yes. Apparently in Houston one is doomed to suffer from the genetic defects of relatives by marriage.

Clemens claimed that a P.R. firm that he recently hired instructed him to go out into public and preach his gospel of innocence. If true, do you think they might have gone over his story and attempted to cut out a version that was believable and not predicated on psuedo-science?

I, for one, am heartless and callous enough to still enjoy the fact that Clemens' life is a shambles. He has always been an arrogant prick who was coddled and protected by Major League baseball throughout the latter half of his career when he ballooned like Barry Bonds. But now Clemens is all on his own, and it's obvious that he has been rendered defenseless against scrutiny and criticism.

At least for him the hole that he can crawl back into is a sprawling, palatial mansion. Hope he likes it.

Musings on Game Six

2009-05-01T11:18:00.000-07:00

Last night's Game 6 thriller between the Bulls and the Celtics provided us with yet another volume in what has already become one of the greatest NBA playoff series of all-time. Bill Simmons has a
great article about the series over on ESPN.com, and he has no qualms about calling the series the best ever.

This was the second game in a row where the Bulls blew a comfortable lead in the fourth quarter, though this time Brad Miller decided he had to atone for his missed free throws on Tuesday and dragged the Bulls into overtime. I've heard several times the excuse that basketball is a game of runs, that this sort of thing is just a normal part of an intense series.

Basketball is a game of runs. So what? Basketball is also a game of baskets, hard fouls, defense, crisp passing and extemporaneous displays of imagination and athleticism that can leave even the most jaded viewer mouth agape. Good teams do not blow ten-point fourth quarter leads when their playoff life is on the line.

That's not a run. That's a comeback. There's a big difference.

And Rajon Rondo has apparently decided to end all pretense of playing with class and respect and has attempted to turn the hardwood floor into a broken-glass-littered asphalt surface. The foul against Miller in Game 5 was a flagrant foul. It was a dirty play and a cheap shot, and the attempt to classify it as some kind of hustle play is ludicrous and insulting. The trip against Heinrich in the same game was blatant and bush league. Rondo intentionally stuck his knee into Heinrich's leg when he realized he was beat.

And then his discus hurl of Heinrich into the scorer's table last night was amazing in its self-absorbed immaturity at such a critical time. How the hell did Boston make it through so many tough series last spring with this uncontrolled psycho handling the ball? Is he frustrated because it's become obvious that, despite a superior supporting cast and professional experience, it's become obvious that Derek Rose is a far more talented player? Is he mad because a team like the Bulls was not supposed to present such a challenge for the World Champions?

Look, I don't think he should be suspended, if for no other reason then it's Game 7 and the last thing Celtics fans and players need is another excuse. When they lose tomorrow night, on their home court, I want them to walk out of the building for the last time this season, heads hung in humiliation and shame, knowing that they were defeated by an upstart team with almost no playoff experience.

Until now, at least.

The Shit Talker Needs a Walker

2009-04-30T12:58:00.001-07:00

Kevin Garnett has used the occasion of the postseason as a means of proving that he is the most overrated and underclassed player in the NBA. Garnett, unable to play due to a knee injury, has instead become a spectator, and a vociferous and annoying one at that.

Garnett has spent the games in a suit on the Celtics bench, jawing and cursing and attempting to intimidate Bulls players that are physically able to participate. It's not just ridiculous, it's utterly classless. It is, after all, amazingly easy to talk shit when you're not the one that has to back it up or accept responsibility for a loss. Garnett has managed to sneak his way onto a championship team, and now apparently believes that his career futility until he met Paul Pierce is no longer relevant.

Over the years the national sports media has developed a strange crush on Garnett, characterizing his borderline personality as an example of ultimate intensity. He is intense, to be sure, but he's also out of his fucking mind. Would somebody please remind him that he languished in Minnesota for years, consistently unable to carry his team to any level of success, save the season where Sam Cassell and Latrell Spreewell helped him reach the conference finals for the first time in his career.

This isn't about his inability to turn a shitty team into a championship team, as nobody really expected a championship out of most of those Timberwolves teams. But Garnett was stunningly unable to even make his team relevant. They were consistently among the worst teams in the league, but this fact apparently was lost on the media who chose to focus on his meaningless yells, whoops and gesticulations.

So, Kevin - shut the fuck up. Your career without Paul Pierce was a failure, regardless of the personal statistics you managed to collect. Wait until next season when you can lace those shoes up again, because then someone can justifiably undercut you and shut you up for good.

Knock 'Em Down

2009-04-29T14:02:00.001-07:00

And speaking of hard fouls... Where the hell were Chris Paul's teammates on Tuesday as he was getting knocked to the ground at will by the Denver Nuggets?

You cannot stand around and watch as your opponent beats the shit out of your franchise player. Anthony or Billups needs to hit the deck tonight if the Hornets have any hope of winning and advancing.

A Flagrant Commentary

2009-04-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

Below is a thirty second spot of Tim Legler bending reality and logic in order to defend Rajon Rondo's obviously flagrant foul of Brad Miller at the end of last night's Game 5 between the Celtics and the Bulls.

Legler first informs us that "he made a great effort to recover into the lane just to try to get a foul on Brad Miller." Tim, Rondo's effort has no relevance whatsoever to the question of a flagrant foul. A player can be hustling to stop a fast-break layup, but if he intentionally sticks out a foot to trip the opposing player, his effort doesn't somehow mitigate the fact of his foul.

Next, we are told that "Rondo made a legitimate attempt on the basketball, but Brad Miller being a 7-footer had that ball extended above his head so high that Rondo missed and ended up hitting him on the side of the head." First of all, Miller had the ball extended out towards the basket, not above his head. Secondly, the height disparity between Rondo and Miller is another irrelevant observation. A shorter player is not excused for slapping a taller player in the head simply because he cannot reach the ball. Thirdly, the reason that Rondo couldn't reach the ball is because he was out of position, leaving Miller's head the nearest and easiest target for Rondo flailing hand.

"Players get hit in the head a lot on drives to the basket, particularly in late-game situations." Bullshit. At least produce one example of another player being clotheslined on a drive to the basket and the referees deciding not to call a flagrant due to the position of the clock. I'm all for hard fouls and protecting the lane, but there has to be a reasonable line at which a hard foul becomes a flagrant foul. No player should get an uncontested layup in the playoffs, particularly at then tail end of an overtime game. But that is far different from adopting an "anything goes" philosophy based on the clock.

Really, Legler's biggest contribution to the game was leaving and taking his chin with him. I understand that former athletes are not always the most coherent bunch of analysts, but I don't think it's too much to ask for a little bit of reason to be inserted into an argument. Legler did not make one salient point or astute observation during his segment, and here is the jumbled mess that ESPN offered to basketball fans:

You No Big Papi

2009-04-29T07:06:00.001-07:00

I know this commercial is a bit old, but ESPN recently started airing it again. But here's the troubling question I'm left with: if the New Era Red Sox cap is so authentic that one can be mistaken for David Ortiz, does the Yankee cap give you Derek Jeter's herpes?

Love Child

2009-04-26T13:16:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or is Brian Scalabrine of the Celtics the love child of Ben Roethlisberger and a red-headed Cabbage Patch Kid? Talk about weakening the institution of marriage...

A Rose By Any Other...

2009-04-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday
Derek Rose had one of - if not the - best debut playoff performance ever. 36 points, 4 rebounds, 11 assists, 1 steal and an unexpected victory over the defending champion Boston Celtics.

Critics and nay-sayers will point to the conspicuous absence of Kevin Garnett as reason to discount or downplay the performance, but such an argument completely misses the point. Almost every player on the Celtics playoff roster experienced the Celtics dramatic playoff push and resulting championship. It was a long postseason for the Celtics, replete with incredibly tough games and pandemonic intensity and initiated this Celtics team into the basketball blender that is the NBA playoffs.

The Bulls, on the other hand, had relatively little experience as a team, particularly when one considers that the team is led by budding superstar Derek Rose, still just a rookie in his first playoff series. So to have a successful postseason the Bulls do not have to compete for the title - nobody's granting the Bulls the status of contender. No, to be successful the Bulls have merely to demonstrate a toughness of mind and body and the willingness and ability to elevate their game, both individually and as a team.

And Derek Rose demonstrated exactly those qualities. Sporters (sports reporters) often speak of special players having that vague, undefinable quality known as "it." "It" is much like "height" - no one can teach you "it," just as nobody can coach "height." "It" is what separates the legends from the really good. "It" is why the Chicago Bulls will always be Michael Jordan's team and why Scottie Pippen will always be Jordan's toady.

Derek Rose has "it."

This is a 19-year-old kid with one year of college basketball experience. He's soft-spoken and polite (he called Nancy Liberman "ma'am" three time during their 60 second postgame interview) and not physically intimidating. But he made the defending champion Celtics look fraudulent on defense yesterday, slicing through the befuddled Celtics players and leaving Celtics point guard Rajon Rondo wondering what just happened.

Again, I don't care if the Bulls lose the next four games. I'd much prefer them to keep the series competitive and even win, but we must consider this on a much longer time scale. Our franchise player is young and exciting and is only going to get better. But if anyone had their doubts about Rose's talent or skills, he put those to rest with his unbelievable performance on Saturday.

I'm feeling good about the Bulls' future.

Hey, Yo Rocky

2009-04-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

ESPN Chicago has an excellent article about Rocky Wirtz, the Blackhawks owner and the man responsible for reviving hockey in Chicago.

I must admit that, due to the lackluster performances of the franchise for most of my adult life, I know nothing more about hockey than that which I can glean from knowing basketball. (In fact, the two are quite similar and are both based on lacrosse.) This is something that I am working to rectify.

It's an exciting time to be a Chicago sports fan. The Blackhawks are ascendant again and have a really solid nucleus of young players, centered around Kane and Toews. We were able to watch Derek Rose develop for the Bulls this past season and feel comfortable that, barring injury, he will develop into a great point guard. The Bears have signed an actual, breathing quarterback for the first time in my life and have a really good young running back, Matt Forte. The Sox and the Cubs both look solid this year, though the Cubs seem better positioned for a playoff berth this year. (Not that that means much for the Cubs, having earned an 0-6 record in the playoffs over the past two years.)

Hawks play again tomorrow. We'll head on up to Calgary up 2-0 and show those fucking eh-gheads all the hockey they can handle.

A Tragic and Senseless Death

2009-04-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

Andrew Gallo, the degenerate drunk and former public nuisance whose irresponsible behavior resulted in the early-morning murder of former Angels' pitcher Nick Adenhart, is not really a monster. His mother claims that the media is just demonizing him. "I didn't think he was out getting into trouble," his mother, Sandra Sagahon said. "It was an accident. It's not like he was a bad kid or a gang member."

Yeah. It's not like he was out at all hours of the night, participating in illegal and dangerous activities that would likely result in serious injury or fatality. Is it me, or is the subtext here, "At least he wasn't one of those black gangbangers. They kill by shooting."

The not-monster was first arrested for DUI in 2006. His plea deal required Gallo to stay at Bible Tabernacle, a rehab facility that uses "faith instead of therapy to heal."

I'm always reassured when religious organizations are able to sidestep pesky annoyances like "therapy" and "medicine" or "science." They use faith instead of therapy? Do they also eat crayons instead of food? Bible Tabernacle's daily routine required Gallo to awake each morning at 5:30, after which he would read the Bible for 90 minutes before doing manual labor on the facility's grounds.

And somehow, even after reading the Bible for 90 minutes each morning, he still had no understanding of the genetic vicegrip of his alcoholism or any concrete steps to take when tempted to drink? I mean, besides praying for help from Jesus.

I agree that Andrew Gallo isn't a monster. And that's a sobering statement. Gallo is no better or worse than most of us. He fell victim to an awful addiction, and we as a society have yet to grow comfortable with dealing with addictions. I think this is clearly demonstrated by the fact that our secular legal system allows religious organizations like Bible Tabernacle - which has no understanding of modern therapeutic techniques and thus does not employ them - to deal with addicts through a mixture of raking leaves and reading the Bible.

Addiction is real and it is, for most people, manageable with the right help. People can choose on their own to supplement proven programs that are based on scientific findings and research with Bible study or self-flagellation. Such unscientific methods should not, however, be endorsed by our legal system.

11

2009-04-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm setting the over-under on the number of times Neil Everett and Stan Verrett mention that they're broadcasting from SportsCenter's new studios in Los Angeles at 11. My concern is that's too conservative of an estimate.

I'm beginning to wonder if the new SportsCenter theme music will include a sample of Tupac.

ESPN Radio: Duncing with the Stars

2009-04-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

The new television commercials for ESPN Radio have me amused, though that's about the best that I can say for them. They all center around individuals becoming increasingly annoyed and frustrated by the lack of substantive discussion on other sports radio stations. In response, they switch their radios to ESPN Radio, where they would ostensibly enjoy more in-depth discussion of various sports topics.

The problem is that the brief segments that end the commercials - where they show an ESPN Radio host speaking to the listener - are all clips of ESPN personalities offering equally mundane and irrelevant insights. For example, in one commercial a man is sitting at his kitchen table and asks two goofy-looking radio hosts what they expect for tonight's game. They host and the AV nerd combine to create a symphonic medley of nonsensical words and cartoonish noises, which prompts the listener to change stations. Instantly, Greenie and Golic are at the table with the man, and Golic shares this piece of brilliance: "I think the addition of a closer will really help their bullpen."

That's right. The addition of a closer will help the team's bullpen. Other news that Golic might share may include the following: the basketball team's addition of a center will really help their frontcourt; the water added to the swimming pool should really help the swimmers do their laps; the team with the most points will likely win the game.

On the positive side, this commercial does present an honest view of the Mike and Mike Show. Next to dunderheaded Golic is Metro Boy Greenie tucking a napkin into his sweater because, as he shares, "It's a new shirt." To really capture the essence of Greeberg's radio presence, however, he must be placed in front of a microphone so that viewers may witness firsthand the incredible way he is able to deep throat his microphone while talking about a wide range of topics, from his phobias to his jealousy of Brad Pitt's ass.

Other commercials include Big Bird Van Pelt (is it me or does he look like the love child of Big Bird and Dr. Evil?) mimicking Dirk Nowitzki's shooting form, as that is pretty much as interesting as he ever gets on the radio. There's also one with Colin Cowherd, but I tend to drown in nausea when I'm forced to see his nose, so I'm not sure what happens there...

The only way that the commercials could have offered viewers a truer glimpse into the mind-numbingly mundane nature of ESPN Radio would have been to have Mike Tirico sit next to a cup of warm milk and still manage to make the warm milk seem exciting by comparison.